First of all, I apologize to anyone who might be fifty or over for my ranting response to letter received. Second, a gals gotta hang onto her youth as long as she can!
Dear AARP,
Thank you so kindly for your membership proposal. You may take it and ram it up your @$$.
In case you don’t know. I AM NOT YET FIFTY YEARS OLD!!!!! In fact I am a mere forty-six. That gives me FOUR (actually 3 ½ , but who’s counting?!) whole years to consider the advantages of your exclusive membership.
BTW, who offers oldie memberships to women who haven’t even hit menopause? I am truly becoming suspicious of your motivation.
Since you obviously have my name and address, but not my birthday, I want to know if someone sent you a photograph of me. I can explain:
Those grey hairs you see, it’s called mothering teenage boys.
The wrinkles, got them the same way.
Rounded middle…I eat my worries away.
Weak bladder. That’s from birthing those little monsters, yeah nine pounders!
Any other reasons that led you to believe that I was fifty, I will still pin on my kids, and if they don’t fit the bill, I’ll stick it on Dirt Man!
While I do appreciate the fact that you are “fighting for my American Dream”, I think I am achieving it without your assistance.
As far as other special privileges, I don’t need or want your instant savings on car rentals, eye care, dental services, pharmaceuticals, insurances, or even your cash-back credit card.
Nor am I interested in your magazine or your newsletters about money and travel. First my kids have sucked me dry as far as money goes. And travel, well, I can’t retire because I still have to pay for said children’s college expenses.
No, I will not join your local chapter. I have no interest in getting together with a bunch of retirees and playing bingo, square dancing , comparing denture creams, or whatever it is they do at their meetings! I choose to wait until I actually hit fifty, and then I’ll consider seeing what people THAT age do!
Furthermore, You should really consider an overhaul of your membership drive committee. They suck! Really, is it standard practice to send an invitation to someone only forty-six? If so, I am sure I am not the only pissed off forty-six year old out here!
But hey, I’ll keep the two membership cards you sent. I might can use them for scraping my windshield or something.
Again, I thank you for considering to allow poor little “old” me into your exclusive club. And again, SHOVE IT!!!!
Just so you know, it’s your fault that my children have just lost their inheritance. (That is what they haven’t yet sucked out of me!) They found it quite hilarious, that I received this in the mail. Now, I intend to spend every cent I have before I expire. It has become my new aspiration in life.
Yours Truly,
A young at heart (if not in photos), SuziCate
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