On November 22, I am turning 42. There will be no sorry-ass mid-life crisis, because I am so unconcerned with age that I actually had to do the calculations to remember how old I am in the first place.
[Side note: If anyone deserves the drama and attention of a mid-life crisis, it's my 45-year old girlfriend Brigitte, whose hair has been almost completely white since she was 23. This week, the triage nurse at the vaccination centre turned to me and said, "You and your daughter can get the shot tonight, but your mother will have to come back later." ]
So in honour of my upcoming birthday, here is my initial list of things to love about being 42:
- I don’t have to think about what I want to be when I grow up. It’s already too late.
- I know who I am.
- I like how I’ve turned out.
- And I almost never give a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks about it.
- I’ve passed the age of onset for all the major mental disorders (esp. those that run in my family). Maybe not with flying colours, but I’ve passed.
- On my 40th birthday, my daughter pronounced me “medium young”. I think I’m still covered.
- My breasts are no longer perky, but now I have the option of tucking them in.
- Sexual peak, ladies. It’s not a myth.
- I have cool retro skills like using a rotary telephone and playing Pong. I absolutely kick ass at pong.
- I have replaced the deadly combination of energy and neurosis with serenity and life experience. Well, most days. When I take my meds.
- Parenting gets progressively easier every year after 30. No one under 30 should have to parent- it’s just cruel.
- Plucking out those little chin hairs is doing wonders for my hand-eye coordination.
- Menopause is going to be a beautiful, liberating celebration of the next phase of my life. Right? Yes?
- If my hot flashes kick in before winter, I won’t have to put plastic on all the damned windows.
- I rarely have to stand up on the bus anymore.
- I have never spent a dime on age-defying anything. I don’t own a single product containing bovine colostrum, donkey-hide gelatin or snake venom.
- I still have things to look forward to, like binge drinking in my 50s and hip-hop when I’m 70.
- Young, cool and artistic people still like hanging around with me. Well, Sara does. Thank you, Sara.
- Now that I am not young, I can no longer be blamed for downfall of western civilization. (Of course, as I age in a country with free medical care, I will suck the economy dry, but presumably western civilization will carry on.)
- No matter how old, saggy and tired I get, I will always have Brigitte. And she is fucking HOT.
Your turn Internet. Post a comment and wish me a happy birthday!
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